Orange MC
They're back, and this time it's personal.
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The Tricycle Spoons Unplugged
Melvyn Bragg:
That's all we have time for this week. Next week, the cultural impact of blancmange. Next on ITV, Mornington Crescent

Game won by Melvyn Bragg

Prong: Oi! Nobody told me about this reunion! I'm gonna sue, the name Tricycle Spoons belongs to me!
Andy Kershaw: Thanks for that. I usually speak first.

There's been a lot of noise recently about the Tricycle Spoons' comeback tour, "Unplugged". Trying to get a handle on this earthily ephemeral phenomenon, we have the surviving members of the band in the studio including, as we;ve already heard, Prong. Before we get back to the band, here's another of the their tunes, a haunting little number. Listen particularly for the stand out kilt solo...


Double or Quits

(Distant bluesy harmonica meshes with Hawaiian ukulele)

Ain't got no wife, ain't got no kids
It's the end of the line, I'm on the skids
No job, no pay
Think I've lost my mind and
I know I've lost my way
Don't reckon these songs are gonna be
Number one hits.
Blind Lemon Stevie:
Hit'n the booze and hit'n the road,
Free but poor jus' like the Joads,
No clothes that fit
Would go West young man but
These boots is worn to allgitout
Wastin' my life jus' searchin' for them
Number one hits

Darren: Losin' my dog and losin' my mind,
Livin' off things I happen to find,
No stuff, no cash
All my burnin' bridges
Are just a pile of ash
No way this pile of ash will ever make
Number one hits.
matt: (Ear-bleeding power chords and furious percussion)

Number one hits!
Number one hits!
Do the splits and pick nits and, yeah!
Pound those drum kits!

Number one hits!
Number one hits!

(Reverb into 2 bars silence)

Let's go double or quits!

Jon Anderson: Loser of hate climb ladder above
To touch the circle of radiant love
No push to pull
We achieve the question
High the roundabout, full
Sumblime the Hits!
Blind Lemon Stevie: Itch on mah head drives me to the brink, Scratchin' all day, Take refuge in drink, Th' scales, the rash, Booze no relief so Ah go an' dig out mah stash, S'no use, gotta get medical help fo deez Number one nits!
Blind Lemon Stevie: (Sounds of breath being noisily drawn, then expelled in a series of liquid, rattly coughs)
matt: Number one hits!
Number one hits!
Life's the pits, I've had fits and then
Razored wrist-slits.

Number one... (trails off)

(Remainder is not sung, but consists of a rambling mish-mash of shouts and stage-whispering over an extended bagpipe wail)

Bombed in the Blitz!
Gassed at Auschwitz!
Take that, Fritz!
At the Ritz. Squeezing zits.
Drinking Schlitz! Eating grits!
Page 3 tits. Naughty bits.
Wait till I get my mitts
On you, yer gits!

Dozy Polywhacker: (Sniff) Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
B.L. Stevie: Weellll, ah dun tole yah befoah. Doan poke in th' back o' da Mellotron when th' fool thang be plugged in! Dayz betterren fahv-hunnert volts foatin' roun' da shassee o' dat bastard an' th' ground wah fell off these six months gone! Damn ground-hum's near rattled mah fillins loose an ah still say it doan sound lahk real bagpipes.(Tweet).
Warren Monthaster: That song was written as a tribute to poor old Berthold after he, you know, died. The ukulele represents the harp he'll be playing up in heaven and the harmonica expresses our profound grief.
Trevis Slickshod: I'm not sodding well profoundly grieving. He was a right miserable bastard.

Stairlift To Heaven

Where's my lady? I'm sure she'll just walk out that door
When I order my stairlift to heaven
And when I succumb to the ache in my bum
With a word she can clear out my savings.

[Griblick: Notice how we keep going back to the stairlift thing? It's like a, whattayacallit, light motive...
Prong: Shut up, Neville! I'm tryin' to hear meself play.]
matt: Oooh, and I've made a blunder!

Now she's left me adrift, and I'm riding that lift
What's the point of these journeys I'm taking?
Up and down, to and fro, there's nowhere I can go
To escape from a heart that is breaking
B.L. Stevie: If there's a rumblin' in yo' midriff, ridin' th' stairlift
It's jus' the needle-roller bearings.
Yes there are two parts you must oil now, or in the long-run
You'll find you stuck half up an' swearin'
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh an' it makes you wonder
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh are y' gonna chunder?

D.L. Stevie: Your chair is smokin and it won't go
In case you don't know
The motor windings are on fire
Dear God! You'd better leap to safety
Right through the window
Before your arse becomes a pyre!
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh and it makes you wonder
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooOW!!! Was this chair a blunder?
matt: [Revved-up instrumental break]

And as you tumble down the stair!
Your fingers grabbing empty air!
There walks a man who isn't there!
He sees you fall and doesn't care!
B.L. Stevie: And if you listen really hard
You'll find your ears are packed with lard
That damn woman's a retard!
She plays these jokes; She's such a card!
While you're asleep she's creeping round
Robbing your brain of needed sound
By sneaky shoving of a pound
Of lard in each ear I'll be bound!

DL Stevie: And I'm Buuuuuuuuyin' a staaaaaaaiiiiirlift to heeeeeaaaaven!

Where th' hell did th' rest of the band go? Did you see them leave?
BL Stevie: O' course not y' gimpy git! Ah'm blind, fool!
DL Stevie: Keep y' dark glasses on! I din't mean nuthin' by that statement, it bein' more in the way of a culturally acceptable way o' askin "Did you happen to notice them leave?" No need to start yellin' fo th' PC-Police. An' ah'll thank you t' keep the hip-damagist sentiments to y'self, Hawkeye! Mah displayzha is a consequence o' mah genetic heritage an' th' poor diet ah was forced to suffer durin mah yooth in th' bayous o' Loozy-anna.
BL Stevie: Ah heard it was a direck consequence o' fallin offovva beer dray durin' Mardi Gras in N'orleenz in '68 due to the beer you was "forced" to suffer over th' preceedin three day binge and bein' run over by th' "Miz Pageant" float when you was too soused to get up aftah. (Tweet)
DL Stevie: That too. Whadda we do now?
Andy Kershaw: Fascinating insights there from the Lemon twins.

Well, it looks like we've just got time for one more tune. Rather than trot out the current single I'm going to ask the band to pick their favourite track from the album. Neville?
Prong: Why is it always bloody Neville? Neville this, Neville that. I <beeeep>ing hate <beeeep>ing Neville! <beeeep>!
Neville Griblick: Why do you think we didn't tell you about the reunion?
Blind Lemon Stevie: (Tweet)
Dozy Polywhacker: [Sounds of a punch-up in the background] Er, well I'm a bit partial to the title track, meself...
Andy Kershaw: [Desperate to get this shambles over with] "Unplugged" it is, then!


Stuck on the late late show
Had too many lines and
Got nowhere to go
There's a spoon in my head and it's, oh, so...
Annie Lennox: [Whispered] Tarnished
matt: Stuck on the morning train
Drunk too many lattes and
It's all in vain
There's a trike in my head and it's sayin', sayin'...
Annie Lennox: [Whispered] Riiiiide me
matt: Sample, very faint from The Last Ride: We ride! We ride!

Time, old friends, to face the facts
Join the other has-been acts
Playing to an empty house
Down at the end of the pier.

Done our time and paid our dues
Rocked and rolled and sung the blues
That was then and this is now
Ain't no way back from here.

Washed up, broken, drunk and drugged

Game won by matt

B.L. Stevie, D.L. Stevie & sundry guest artistes: [Matt] The collaborative song format doesn't seem to be firing the imaginations of people right now. Shame. When this one moves it is one of the best on the server from where we're sitting. Fire it up again and we'll be there (no matter how hard you beg). It was good while it lasted.
matt: [Stevie] Indeed so. Doubtless the Spoons will drag themselves out of rehab one day, but for now let's leave them to marinate in their own filth creative juices. Rumour has it that Griblick needs to spend a year dead, anyway, for tax reasons.
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Last updated 15-February-2021